September 1, 2009
September 1, 2009
It’s Day 11 of The Pretty Project and I’m feeling a little parched from battling the God-forsaken heat. Having a natural talent for over consumption, I thought drinking 64 ounces of water a day would come very naturally and help beautify my skin. Incorrect. Contrary to popular belief, drinking water did not make me want to pass on second helpings but it did create the perfect storm for hyperactive visits to the porcelain gods. My bladder was like a sailor in a hurricane, the more water I poured down the faster he tried to dump it out. Hopefully, he’ll adjust and in the meantime I pray my skin is thankful for the effort he is putting in. 354 days to go.
September 1, 2009
On Day 10 of the Pretty Project I decided to purchase a weapon of mass destruction. Something that could protect my skin from a burning ball of hell that insists on robbing me of my youthful glow from 150 million kilometers away. From the way I saw it, I had two choices; I could either start wearing a full facial mask… or invest in sunscreen. For the sake of not being picked up by child protective services, I opted for the sunscreen. I found a product called Good Skin Gentle Sunscreen that has 25 SPF kamikazes who, God willing, will battle the ultraviolet radiation spewing terrorist-of-the-sky until their tiny lives are depleted. At which point I am to reapply. 355 days to go.
August 30, 2009
Last night I went out to dinner with my girlfriends and realized that everyone at the table had partaken in teeth whitening except me. So, on Day 9 of the Pretty Project I picked up a kit of my very own and read that it would take me only 10 days and 20 sessions to have a simply dazzling smile. I pulled out my first two strips and removed the clear backing to expose the jelly-like substance that I was to apply to my teeth. After a serious glance at myself in the mirror and a deep breath I pressed the plastic-like wraps up and over my teeth and waited for the shooting pain to begin (like the instruction manual warned against). Luckily, I wasn’t one of the .001 percent that this happened to but I was one the 100 percent that looked like a complete moron sporting pursed lips like Wanda from In Living Color. 356 days to go.
August 30, 2009
On Day 8 of The Pretty Project I decided to utilize a phone-a-friend. My goal: to score some serious hair care advice while maintaining a casual conversation so as not to awake any suspicion. My phone call to my friend, who just so happens to be a hair stylist, went something like this:
“So, my hair seems to be pretty brittle, what can I do about it?” I ask slyly.
“Brittle as in splitting, brittle as in it feels like a horse’s mane, or brittle as in it’s breaking off?” she quickly follows.
“Um, I’ll go with the horse’s mane”
“What have you been using on you hair?”
“Pantene ProV” I answer with anticipation.
“Gross” she says with what sounds like genuine distaste for me as a human being. “I mean, how much are you even spending on hair care right now?”
“I don’t know, like $5 a month?” The phone goes silent for a minute. “Hello? Are you there?”
“Are you washing your hair?” she asks slowly and with deep concern.
“Yeah, it’s just the stuff I buy is relativly cheap and it lasts for a while. It’s awesome.” Again, the phone goes silent.
Sounding defeated, she instructs “Go buy Biosilk Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioner and pick up Biolage Leave-In Tonic while you’re at it. You might find them at your grocery store but if not just ask your stylist next time you’re in.”
“My stylist?” I ask. CLICK. “Hello, hello?”
357 days to go
August 27, 2009
It’s Day 7 of The Pretty Project and since I started working out yesterday I thought the next reasonable step should be to score some perfume. So, alas, I found myself at a perfume counter where women dressed in night gowns chastised me for committing the cardinal sin: smelling human. I could choose between smelling like flowers in bloom, an ocean storm, or a warm prairie field but I was not, I repeat not, supposed to smell like myself. And so I began to snort perfume samples until I OD’ed at which point I was revived via a petri dish of coffee beans. In the end I settled on Euphoria by Calvin Klein and went straight to Starbucks, the mother land of coffee beans, to detox. 358 days to go.
August 26, 2009
It’s Day 6 of The Pretty Project and a good day to reunite with old friends. I realized when I went back to school I wouldn’t have as much time to hang out with my friends. Most of them understood, but not Larry. Each night Larry would call to me from the darkness of my closet. It was really pretty creepy stuff actually. In the morning I would step over Larry’s cold, dusty body and reach for my clothes. “Can you fit in those, Jiggles?” he’d mock. Usually I’d just give Larry a good stare-down when this happened. He needs to know his place after all. This morning however, I gave in to his constant antagonizing, climbed onto Larry’s back, and started to run in place. I realized Larry was relishing the agony he was causing me around the same time that I remembered that we were never really that good of friends. Oh, maybe there for a while we had come to some sort of understanding but it had taken a long time to get to that special place. Thirty minutes later I stepped off of Larry while he made back-handed comments about me being heavier than he remembered. I threatened to pull the cord on him and he calmed down. “See you tomorrow, ass hole” I told Larry. “Looking forward to it, chubs” he responded. I hate Larry. 359 days to go.